Morgan Bauers

Copic markers and pencil on paper. 9 in by 12 in. Illustrated by Katharen Hedges.

[Copic markers and pencil on paper. 9 in by 12 in. Illustrated by Katharen Hedges.]

Alzheimer’s 

These hospital walls look as if they’re sucking the life right out of you

I can still remember that light in your eyes

It wasn’t long ago when we were sitting in our secret hide out

You always said no one would find us there

But this disease still found you there

It visited like a snake

You didn’t know it was there until it attacked

By then

It was too late

You keep telling me not to visit you

That I shouldn’t see you like this

But I come anyways

And for a second

I can see that light in your eyes again

For a split second

You remember me but

Then it’s gone again

Every “Who are you?”

Cuts through me like a dull knife

But I know it hurts you worse

I see it in the way your eyes dart back and forth

As if you’re trying to remember something that no longer exists

It’s in the way that your voice quivers almost apologetically

Even though you don’t know what you’re sorry for

You sit in that hospital bed because you can’t remember your way home

Still

You like to sneak out at night

You were always a trouble maker

Most of the time you wander aimlessly

But there are times I see you in our secret hide out again

Morgan

You’d say

You made it

And I’d cry because it’s the first time I heard you say my name in months

Then I wake up

And I realize

The only way you’d say my name is in a dream

You’re still in that hospital bed

Bones turning to dust

Memories vanishing

Stolen by thieves


I Remember Middle School

I remember middle school

I remember lockers

I remember looks of people who thought they knew me

I remember bullies

I remember tear stained cheeks

Soaked pillows

I remember my home only being a house for the first time

This is how middle school started

I remember trips to boystown

My sister not even trying to get better

Only ever playing the system

I remember turning to that blade for the first time

I remember long sleeves in the summer

I remember no one noticing

As if I was just another haunted soul in the hallway

Not worth a second glance

I remember depression

Visiting in the dead of the night

Hindering my sleep

That one family member no one wants

Middle school became a burden I couldn’t carry

I remember the poetic strokes of black painting my life

This is when I learned to turn to darkness

I remember I’m sorry

I remember everyone leaving

I remember wondering what was wrong with me

As if the fault of others somehow became my own

I remember writing those notes

I remember never delivering them

I remember hope being a burden of things that would never happen

I remember her

I thought best friends were supposed to be there for each other

I remember my mom

Smoke stench thick in the air

I remember her leaving

Moms shouldn’t abandon their children

I remember happiness

Being made of glass

One wrong step and everything shatters

Middle school was no longer about friends or education

I remember playing sports

Not for fun

Only to try to be popular

I remember popularity

My one way ticket out of depression

I remember homework

Not helping my grades

Only fueling my anxiety

I remember high school

Sounding like sanctuary compared this place I’m in now

Only to find out

It’s ten times worse

I remember name calling

I remember feeling broken for the first time

I remember you

Trying to make me better

But leaving everything worse than when it started

I remember stiff hugs

The ones I gave my family

I remember middle school

The only three years I actually knew myself


Metaphors for My Dad

Writing

It’s not something that’s easy to do

It’s not easy to express your feelings in words

In phrases

In rhymes

In perfectly structured sentences

It’s not easy to express your insides in pointless metaphors and similes

It’s like comparing boulders and pebbles

Similar but not the same

No matter how many times I start to write this

It doesn’t turn out the way I want it to

It’s like words cannot compare to the way I feel about you

I could write beautiful metaphors about how I’m the kite

And you’re the person

How you keep me grounded

How if lightning hits me

It hits you too

But it just doesn’t seem right

This entire thing seems way too serious

And we

We are never serious

And I mean

We try to be

But it always ends up with us laughing

So it seems like I should compare us to spongebob and patrick

Always laughing

One always ready

And the other following closely behind

But we aren’t best friends

And we never will be

The complexity of our relationship roots further into our heritage than I ever thought possible

You loved me before I was even born

Our relationship is like an ocean

Vast and beautiful

And yeah

Storms may come

But eventually they’ll pass

Leaving behind rainbows

And clouds that look like cartoons

A new understanding between the ocean and the weather

But I’m not the ocean

And you are not the weather

We are so much more

And you are my favorite person to ever come into my life

You were there when I took my first breath

You took it with me

It’s like I’m Bonnie

And you’re Clyde

Partners in crime

Sticking together forever

But forever

Isn’t really forever

I wish it was

I’m leaving

I’m going off to college and starting this new adventure without you

We both know this

We hide behind masks trying to avoid my inevitable departure

But it’s happening

And I wanted this to be my goodbye

But trying to put my feelings into words and metaphors doesn’t really work

And I know it took me years to dedicate something to you

Dad I’m sorry

I wrote and rewrote and rewrote this so many times

And all that I can come up with is “I love you”

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